One self-righteous stranger can strip the confidence of 100 mothers.
One evening recently I took a walk with my children. With baby in the sling across me, Molly-Ann in the monkey harness, and Hayden holding the hand of a wonderful neighbor, we set out to the convenience store down the block for a bit of fresh air. While we were inside, since my children had minded so well during the trip, I decided to treat them both to a Bug Juice. I step up to the line behind another woman and wait my turn. She notices my little ones and begins a seemingly pleasant conversation with me. My oldest seems far more interested in the ATM machine and the clerk continues ringing up my purchase, while Hayden and Molly-Ann drink contentedly from their juice bottles. I continue my conversation while waiting for the total, and the seemingly sweet woman starts towards the door. In a split-second Jekyll and Hyde moment, she turns to me, and in front of a crowd of spectators blurts out, “great parenting, get your kids all sugared up and full of blue dye before bedtime! What a moron!” She continues to stare at me, looking for a reply as my jaw hangs open and I just stare at her, completely dumbfounded. Here I stood completely shocked and humiliated in front of about 10 strangers and the most she could do is toss her hair and flit out the door. Not that she didn’t have a point, she most certainly did. I should have thought twice about how close to bedtime it was, but who honestly can afford the jacked-up prices of natural juice? It wasn’t that she didn’t have a point, it was the way that she made the point that bothered me.
I was half a block away when the shock came off of me and the anger set in. I was hurt, I was embarrassed. Most of all,23474465
I was upset that I hadn’t thought of something snappy to come back with. Seems like Murphy’s Law that every time a situation like that comes up all I can do is stand there like an idiot. I should have turned around and said, “So I probably shouldn’t buy them beer and cigarettes either, huh?”
I actually spent the rest of the evening obsessing over what I should have said. And the truth of the matter is that I don’t need to say anything. I don’t need to let some stranger shake my faith that I am a strong, capable SuperMom. But the terrible truth is that this is far too common in our society. Struggling mothers are offered terrible advice, even condemnation and public humiliation every day because someone else thinks it is their job to right the wrongs they see.
My solution? Ignore them. Better yet, ask them to kindly shove it. It infuriates them when they don’t get the upper hand. They figure if they can get to you, they have an effect. What they don’t realize is that they do have an effect, an incredibly negative one. SuperMoms that don’t have enough confidence can become emotionally vulnerable from horrifying experiences like this. Emotionally vulnerable mothers who are upset about someone’s opinion can experience trouble feeling adequate again. Be it from an encounter with a stranger at the supermarket that tells her to put a muzzle on her child for pitching the all-too-common checkout aisle candy fit, or from someone she loves that flippantly remarks about her ability to mother, she may lose her self-esteem and confidence as a SuperMom.
I think this is a grave injustice. We SuperMoms try hard enough to make every day for our children better than the last. We go through enough every day without some pompous, egocentric moron telling us how horrible we are as a parent. I say, if you see something wrong with the way a mother is acting towards her child, keep it to yourself. A swat on the butt in a checkout aisle is not grounds for calling the parenting police down on a mother. Now physical abuse and anger control is a problem, and I believe we should all do our part against it. But a plain swat on the butt or a stern word or two does not warrant you butting in. I personally do not spank. It doesn’t work for my family, having a high strung son and a daughter that picks up on bad habits immediately. But I was spanked as a child. And I applaud my mother for it because it made me mind my manners and behave the way I should have. She was successful and there are parents out there that can use the occasional corporal punishment and it can be an effective, healthy method for them. Parenting purists are going to hate me for saying this, but I was spanked and I didn’t become psychologically confused about it. I messed up, I got disciplined. There wasn’t much to be confused about. Sometimes that small swat can still be a healthy method in the right hands, literally.
I once witnessed an older woman publicly humiliate a young mother because her infant was out without a hat. My personal reaction to that? If I was the one noticing the missing hat, I would comment about how I always forget hats at home and ask if I could purchase a hat for her baby. I would tell her that I had just seen one in the baby aisle that would look adorable, and that it might help her out a bit with the chilly weather. If she says no, then I respect that, I tell her congrats on the baby and say something like “she’s adorable!” Then I would kindly go my way. If I was the young mother being publicly scrutinized, I would have told her that if she felt so strongly about it, she was more than welcome to purchase a hat for the baby, or shut up. I would demonstrate how I cover my child in blankets each and every time we step out the door. I would say how a hat is easily forgotten (what with all the diaper bag items and the accessories that come with taking an infant out of the home) and unnecessary in a 73 degree store. I would tell her to keep her criticism to herself unless she wanted some pointed back at her.
SuperMoms need to stand up for themselves at this time more than ever. Every mother is a SuperMom, it’s about realizing how great you are at this 24/7 job. And every SuperMom needs to pass along the confidence and support to other moms. Together we are stronger. Together we find a way, not to just survive, but to thrive.
No comments:
Post a Comment